A Game Called ’Date Everything’ Literally Lets You Date Everything—Except People

Lux, a catty, bottle-blonde personification of my house lights, has just informed me we’re dating—as long as I can follow a few rules. The influencer, whose head is haloed by a ring light, has a few notable ones: I need to take them out to the most chic restaurants for every meal. Sex only when they want to film for their “Fans Only” account. The relationship ends when they find someone “richer or more famous.” Agree, and their brittle love is mine.

I want to unplug all my lamps and throw them on the curb. Instead, I saunter off to go flirt with the shadow that exists under my spinning globe in hopes of a better date.

Date Everything, a new dating sim from Sassy Chap Games, imitates the highs and lows of real-life courtship but with an absurd twist: Everyday objects in your house are now here for you to woo, whether it’s your couch, your washer, or yes, even the lamps and light switches that exist throughout your house. But where other dating sim developers want you to fall in love with their characters, these game developers know you’re going to find a few to hate.

“It's called Date Everything, not romance everything,” Sassy Chap cofounder Robbie Daymond says. Some of their characters were written to feel a little bit like villains. That’s because, Daymond says, “you probably went on a date at some point in your life with a villain.” The game’s only hard-and-fast rule is that players can’t date anything living. Nothing with a soul, according to Daymond. ”That opens up a Pandora's box of uncomfortable conversations about living things and relationships,” he says.

Sassy Chap Games’ “cheeky dating sim” began as a riff between renowned voice actors Ray Chase and Daymond. Chase’s credits include Final Fantasy 15 lead Noctis and Cyclops in X-Men ’97, while Daymond has voiced characters such as Goro Akechi in Persona 5 and Sailor Moon’s Tuxedo Mask. Although the two didn’t have a formal background in game development, both have strong connections to artists and actors who could help bring their vision to life. The idea came from Daymond, who laid out the game’s ultimate vision plainly: “Well, like, what if you just date everything in your house?”

Seven years later, Sassy Chap—which formed to make this game specifically—released Date Everything. It’s a game of quick-witted writing with an impressively diverse cast of characters, voiced by some of the game industry’s best actors. After you’re replaced at work by AI, you find yourself with a lot of free time and a pair of “Dateviator” glasses, mysterious tech delivered to your front door that allows you to see objects in your home as talking, flirting humans. You’re tasked with finding new objects to build relationships with, whether based on friendship, love, or—as is the case with my asshole lamp—hate. The game is loose with how many lovers you can have and doesn’t penalize you for playing the field. Instead, it actively encourages it.